I Don’t Give a Damn About the Headphone Jack

I read a lot of forward thinking tech blogs. The Verge. TechCrunch. Engadget. The Next Web. These are a few of the big ones. Of course, I also read lesser known ones and I love to keep an eye on HackerNews and Reddit on a daily basis. On these places I see lots of posts talking about the glorious future of technology: The latest in robotics being crowdfunded, the hottest new skills Amazon added to Alexa, the best new apps improving my productivity and easing my lifestyle, exotic new cures for even more exotic diseases and, yes, even synthetic alcohol that prevents overdoses and leaves you feeling fresh without a hangover. The future is truly here. But between the self-lacing sneakers and self-driving cars I also see lots of posts bemoaning the loss of an ancient port on our most beloved of devices: The headphone jack. RIP, headphone jack. Your time was sweet and you shall be fondly remembered. This should be the respectful epilogue that such a lovely written piece of technological innovation should receive, but unfortunately, if headlines are to be believed, the apocalypse is apparently upon us. Whatever shall we do now that Apple has dared tread where none have trod before? Well. Stop whining about it would be a start.

You see, innovation doesn’t come easy. We can increment all we want, but there comes a point where a plunge has to be taken and some people have to be pissed off in order to make the next leap. I find it amusing how all the people that seemingly like to muse about a truly wireless future are also the loudest in crying over the death of perhaps the most wired part of their lives. Forever tethered to their phones, this was a major step in the right direction of chord cutting — but apparently no one really sees it like that. And it’s not like it was really needed anyway. Sitting here, sipping tea, I’m trying to remember the last time I plugged my phone into a headphone jack. I have a Chromecast (a $35 device that quite literally anyone could afford to buy and then promptly throw away if they wanted to) that works swimmingly for audio streaming and most vehicles these days are equipped for the wireless future, no problem (mine is not, but that’s why Apple included an adapter…to ease the transition). And to make things even simpler, Apple made a transitional device: A lightening version of their EarPods! For the first time in history, Apple has included not only a legacy adapter with your new purchase, but also a device specifically designed to make your move to this new era simpler. Apple literally couldn’t have made this transition easier on you people yet I still only hear the sordid whines from the world’s smallest violins.

Of course, there are those claiming that a wireless bluetooth connection will never offer the same quality as a wired option for the audiophiles in the crowd. Of course not. That’s why there’s this awesome lightening port on your device…a port that high end headphone manufacturers have been using for years now because it allows for even better quality than a 3.5mm headphone jack. And speaking of lightening ports, remember when Apple did away with the 30-pin port in favor of this newfangled thing? Yeah, me neither. Because after everyone was done crying over it, it just sort of came to be and the innovation continued. Or what about when Apple removed the optical drive and announced the MacBook Air for the first time? At the time, outrage! Now? Does anyone even own an optical drive anymore? Outside of lusting for the latest in 4k quality disks from my local BestBuy, I’ve never even once considered a BluRay player for my TV, much less a bulky optical drive for my svelte computer that has only benefited from this shift that occurred oh so long ago in the tech world. What about firewire? Or ethernet? Or DVI? Or VGA? What about the soon to be defunct full sized USB-3.0 ports? Or dedicated HDMI output? SD slots…what are those? Shall I shed tears over the graves of yesteryear’s ports and standards as well?

Many critics of Apple’s choice have come forward mocking their use of the word “courage” to describe their descision. I, too, will mock this verbiage. It’s not courageous at all to remove decades old tech from your latest flagship device. It’s just some good-ol-fashioned common sense and a way of forcing the conversation forward toward future innovation. Now can we quit complaining about something so trivial and get back to pining for a gleaming, wireless future? Or should I save the scissors for a rainy day?